Heaven couldn't wait for you...

I can't believe it's been 5 years without you Grammie. I have been thinking about you lot lately since it's your anniversary date. Tons of thoughts crossed my mind. I really appreciate you showing us our entire childhood how devoted an involved you were in your religion. I wouldn't consider myself religious but you always somehow kept me believing. It made me realize I'm like you in a lot of ways. One way is I'm dedicated to my new beginning of being spiritual and I keep it the center of my life lately, it may not be the same religion you followed but I know either way you'd respect me. You also volunteered so much and it's something I enjoy myself. Helping others and also creating cancer awareness is a passion of mine. 

This sparked another thought. I saw when you past away that you wrote checks donating money to the leukemia and lymphoma society and I couldn't help but be so thankful because those donations are what saved my life. Without that money the doctors wouldn't have the amazing chemo treatments for me that they did. It's a great feeling to know you gave to something that changed my life forever. 

I really wish you were still around when I went through cancer because I know how much you'd help us by taking care of me. Mom would have time to go do errands or pick up my meds, give her a little break while dad works, and you could of watched me and I know you'd enjoy that. Although you weren't physically there I felt you there. The times I almost gave up someone in heaven clearly helped me have the strength for another day, and I know that angel was you. 

I'll always remember you making crafts, playing dominoes or cards, & going to church. We miss you! 

Also I've realized I might seem quiet at first but just like you I have some sass :)

Camp changed my life...

           

    Last June for the first time I got to volunteer at Camp Sunshine in Maine, a camp for families going through cancer. It's a place where they can finally let go of their worries and forget that the word cancer is even apart of their daily lives. It's a place where everyone understands and just gets it. Being a survivor I know how meeting anyone who just gets it, how much that means to me. The environment is amazing and inspiring. When I first got there I had no idea what to expect because I was still on my own chemotherapy treatment, I didn't even know if I could participate in all the activities or how I would feel. Luckily I knew my treatment was close to the end and that motivated me to just go no matter how horrible of chemo side effects I would have. At camp I stayed with my sister whose gone every year to this camp and her friends from back home. I also met other volunteers from all different towns. The families are from all over the country and I've made lifelong friendships from this one week. The one I really want to talk about is a young boy named Dylan who just passed away yesterday. I first met Dylan because I was a counselor for the 9-12 year olds at camp and he was one of my campers. I could tell Dylan was tired so sometimes I would sit with him an just chat while activities were going on. Dylan had a huge heart, I wish I could describe to you how kind he was it was just so unforgettable how young but how wise this young boy was. He cared so much about others. During one of the sessions it was time for me to take all my medications & chemo's and Dylan noticed and asked what they all were for so I told him how I'm a cancer patient as well. Instantly he started asking about my Leukemia and treatments and I was shocked at how mature this young boy was. I felt like I was connecting with an adult just casually exchanging our cancer stories. Dylan and I both went to pediatric cancer clinics so most of the kids treated are younger than us and I know talking to me helped Dylan because there wasn't anyone that mature or close in age for him to just talk to. Although I only knew Dylan for a week our chats weren't long but were very meaningful. Meeting him and all the families at Camp Sunshine changed my life. Another amazing opportunity that has shaped me forever. Please Keep Dylan's Family and my Camp Sunshine Family in your prayers. Dylan had battled cancer for more than half his life and was too young. The only thing that can make this situation better is knowing he is finally at peace and no longer suffering. The lives he has impacted through his kindness has inspired me even more to not only be nice to everyone I meet but to keep fighting for cancer awareness and most importantly a CURE.

RIP Dylan you will be forever missed by us all, we love you.

Turn Your Wounds Into Wisdom

I haven't written in a while on my Blog because school has taken over my life and during my free time I sometimes don't know what to post. Life after cancer is a roller coaster that still haunts me every day somehow. Some days are good, but most days however I am reminded with the loss of friends, life and left with the emotions from that. I have been thinking a lot about the many friends I’ve watched die from cancer and I know they are finally at peace which helps the thought process. I knew I wanted a tattoo not only to represent them, but cancer awareness as well. With tattoos, I would usually want one in a place not so visible but for this tattoo I wanted the world to see it. I can say with full confidence that in 10, 20, and even 50 years from now I will not regret this visible tattoo on my wrist. Cancer left a permanent scar, so this tattoo being permanent is nothing compared to that. I want nothing more in this world than cancer awareness and if I could tattoo it on my forehead, you bet I would. I even considered getting Fuck Cancer tatted on me because with what I have been through that is exactly how I feel. If it was socially acceptable, it would have been a no brainer. But instead I got the awareness ribbon and one of my favorite quotes that I need daily to remind me that every obstacle is an opportunity: “Turn Your Wounds Into Wisdom”. This tattoo means the world to me.

Also in exactly 15 hours I will be in Las Vegas for Stupid Cancers OMG 2014 Young Adult Cancer Conference with 500 other survivors plus their caregivers. I cannot wait & I will try to blog day to day! With school finals coming up a vacation is very NEEDED!

You have cancer, now you don't...my daily roller coaster

So I haven't written on my blog for six months. Well clearly a lot has happened. I think this is the obvious, but on June 28th I finished all my chemotherapies for good. After 2 and a half years 8,067 pills, 744 liquid doses (all not counting "as needed" meds), several IV meds/chemos, thousands of blood draws, 2 picc lines, numerous lumbar punctures and marrow biopsies being inpatient for most of those years its finally all DONE. The day after that felt completely weird. I honestly did not know how to be a normal 20 year old because the past three years my life has been dedicated to my health. I kept a small group of family and close friends surrounding me and missed out on college after many failed attempts and I basically watched everyone around me live their lives while I was fighting for mine. The chemo countdown couldn't move any slower. Then BAM! I am off treatment and back to reality with no direction on what to do or how to pick up where I left off. The first thing I did was apply to college and try to fit some work hours in. It was a good start but life after chemo is not what I expected at all. I thought I would be happy and care free which I am at times, but most of the times survivors guilt kicks in. It has been exactly one year since I lost my dear friend Leah Tepper along with many others and It's hard to keep living life when you’ve seen so many taken away. Leah was the most deserving life. I still can't believe or grasp what the world is missing; she made an impact on everyone. I have not written in this blog for many reasons, that being a major one. It is so hard to put my emotions on here because sometimes I want to forget about cancer all together but then I think about my friends and all these kids at clinic suffering from cancer. I need to keep writing and spreading awareness for them like I promised myself I would. Life after cancer is harder than I even expected. I am reminded of cancer everyday. I still have many doctor appointments, I am still on many medications and I still get biopsies. Biopsies are the worst. I felt safe on chemo knowing it kept cancer away and now I am off it with the thoughts of “will it come back?” There is no set cure, which leaves me thinking about being re-diagnosed constantly. It's quite overwhelming. Even through all of this I try to stay positive and catch every opportunity in life. Anything I can do to speak about cancer awareness I do, even if it is helping a newly diagnosed patient about to endure the three years of chemo like I did. I was not too happy about being a 21 year old freshman at college, but getting into Lasell and going with a positive attitude made it all worth the wait. I currently live on campus with my suitemates who are close to my age and have done all they can do to make sure our suite is clean for my low immune system. I have made friends with all the freshman; they always ask me for advice and it makes class fun being with younger students. I have also done way better this time in school than I have ever done in high school or at Hartford. Going through cancer made me appreciate education; it is what I need to get to my goal: to work in Public Relations for a nonprofit cancer organization. I also have not written on my blog because I never want to jinx myself, especially with three past failed attempts of trying to do college on chemo. I would always end up sick and back into the hospital. I cannot believe I have finally finished a semester of college. In some ways I think things happen for a reason. Three years ago I was immature and had no direction in life, or any appreciation for it what teenager does. Now I am 21; I have goals and I have accomplished some already. After battling cancer I know I can do ANYTHING. I will not let the countless appointments, fears of my cancer, and the side effects of the medication control my life anymore. Since I have last written I have turned 21. I have watched my friend Rachel finish her chemo treatments, finally went to a Kenny Chesney concert not throwing up from chemo, I got to travel on a plane, I visited my best friend and got to celebrate her birthday for once, I spoke for the northeast classic again (amazing organization!) met some patriots players, attended the Red Sox parade where players remembered me and most importantly got to celebrate my friend Jens 22 birthday. We were both cancer free together for once. My life has been amazing, yet it is still so hard to adjust to this new life. Cancer blindsided me in 2010 an now its 2013 and I'm all of a sudden back to being healthy and normal...it is quite the rollercoaster. It is very unexplainable; some days I am positive and happy and the next I am crying for no reason. The thought that I almost wouldn't be here today is always reminded. Cancer left the biggest mark on me.

Northeast Classic

Cousin Kait got married!

Finally got to visit my bestfriend in NY for her 21st

Jen celebrated her 22nd birthday cancer free :)

After two years of going to my favorite artist Kenny Chesneys concerts in pain & puking from chemo I finally get to relax and enjoy it cancer free :)

Relay for Life! Celebrate. Remember. Fight Back.

Tara and I walking the survivor lap at relay for life in Medway, Ma

I have gone to many relay for life events in my lifetime, starting when I was young. Usually we would go in my father’s hometown of Medway to meet up with my aunts, uncles, cousins and my Grammy. My memories of it are always a night of fun, packed with a lot of people and tents set up for the 24 hour relay. The night was brightly lit by the candles in the luminaries bags. We would always buy one for my grandfather with his picture on it. To me relay for life was always an inspiring day that I never thought would impact me more directly later on in life….okay well maybe not too much later, but at just 18 years old. Being diagnosed changed my world. I never thought at 20 I would be a part of relay, or better yet be walking in it as a survivor! Never ever did I think I would have to add another family member to my luminary bag or add names of my jimmy fund clinic friends, all who are under the age of 20 who have passed away from this disgusting disease. I use to hear the honorary speaker when I was younger and sure, I felt inspired by their stories, but this relay I listened to my close friend Tara Daniels speak about her journey and felt many more emotions along with being inspired. As I sat and listened to her talk about her journey, all I could think about was how much I could relate, how we’ve lost so many friends, been through so much hell yet still somehow wouldn’t change our cancer because it made us who we are TODAY. I couldn’t be more proud of her. Since being diagnosed I went to a relay last year but felt weird walking the survivor lap and didn’t want to alone. This year I proudly walked with Tara and even Jerry Remy was by our side with so many other survivors that I felt an immediate bond with. It was my first relay for life survivor lap. As we started walking, everyone was cheering for us along the track; so many emotions got to me. I was proud but also shocked still that I have been battling cancer for almost three years and what made me more overwhelmed with tears is the fact that some of my clinic friends couldn’t walk the survivor lap with me. Instead cancer took them away at such a young age; it is not fair at all. I missed them immensely while walking that survivor lap and they were all I could think about. They inspired me to keep walking that track. 

If anyone is reading my blogs I want them to know one thing: events such as relay for life do SAVE lives, the money raised is going to where it needs to be and every year it is helping for there to be more survivors like me. I know we all see fundraisers or donation boxes at restaurants/banks/stores and you might not know what it is going towards but I DO. It is the reason I’m here; it is the reason for more research leading to new medications and options for patients. Please next time you pass one just put a simple couple of quarters maybe even a dollar or two each time because it does add up and it can make a difference in someone’s life. I don’t want another person in this world to suffer from cancer, either being diagnosed themselves or someone they love being diagnosed. Relay for life is an amazing event that gives you an instant new outlook on life. In honor of Kaylee, Nahge, Leah, all the rest of my Jimmy Fund family, and my grandparents Frank and Barbara, I will continue to live for them and continue to walk in events like these for the rest of my life. And you can assume that these wonderful people I have lost through Cancer will live on in my memory, evoking my emotions every time I walk that survivor lap.

My cousins & I at the relay for life

I only have 11 more days of chemotherapy! June 27th is my last day followed by a bone marrow biopsy on the 28th!!! :)

My new Youtube channel documenting my 100 days left of chemotherapy treatments! Feel free to watch & follow :)

Tackling Chemo

Sunday January 13th my friend Jen and I went to the Patriot’s playoff game against the Houston Texans! We met through clinic and past jimmy fund trips. She invited me to go with her and even though I just had a procedure and was starting a new chemo cycle, I said yes. I know how awful I feel during my two-week cycles but nothing was stopping me from first row in the end zone of a playoff game! In the past I’ve gone to many bruins and red sox games on chemo so I knew to pack my puke bucket and a ton of meds to get me through! Regardless of how bad chemo side effects are I try not to miss opportunities like this and I’m so glad I didn’t miss this game! When we arrived to Gillette stadium we were lucky the weather was nice, for January at least. When we got to our seats we couldn’t believe our view, every player was right there it was incredible! We took plenty of pictures that I’ll share throughout this post. Jen and I didn’t feel too sick during the game, which was a miracle.

              During the last quarter of the game a man came down to our seats then started talking to us. The Jimmy fund gave Jen the tickets so he asked which one was Jen and he introduced himself. We then find out it was former Patriots player Joe Andruzzi! Jen immediately also introduced me and told him how I’m also a cancer patient at Dana Farber with her. I think he wouldn’t have guessed because how much my hair has grown during my maintenance chemotherapy! He thought it was cool how we met through clinic and became friends because of our cancer diagnosis. In 2007, Joe himself was diagnosed and treated at Dana Farber and now has a foundation helping other cancer patients. He signed picture for us and even let us wear his super bowl ring, and those things are heavy! Since my phone died I asked if he would send me the pictures we took that day. Later on that night I texted him letting him know that not only was it awesome for us to meet a Patriot’s player but also, more importantly, another cancer survivor. Being a part of the Jimmy Fund provides me with opportunities to meet so many different well-known people but nothing compares to just meeting other cancer patients/survivors. The instant bond is unforgettable. Joe Andruzzi texted me back saying, “I’m glad I had time to get down and meet you both. Remember to take it 1 day at a time and stay positive. Keep smiling. Laughter is the best medicine. Stay Strong. God bless you both.”  He was extremely nice to us and made our day! He’s dedicated to his foundation that provides financial assistance for patients and their families, as well as funding pediatric brain cancer research. I hope everyone can look online and check it out! Donate if you can :)

joeandruzzifoundation.org/

My last Christmas on Chemo!

Quick Update: 

    I know I haven’t written much on here lately, sometimes It’s overwhelming to write and explain all my thoughts. On Friday it marked two years since I’ve been diagnosed. That day I can’t get out of my mind because that day two years ago I remember it clearly up until hearing the most devastating words “you have cancer”. It makes me think a lot about all the pain I experienced but mostly all the great things that came out from this. One being now I have a full head of hair that I love. It’s more than just hair to me, it’s a symbol of what I’ve overcome, every inch of it was earned. I can’t wait to someday have it grow long enough to donate for another young girl battling cancer.

    Also on Friday I went into clinic for Acupuncture. It helps with most of my side effects on my maintenance chemotherapy. Nausea, headaches, anxiety and my sleep problems are slowly getting better from this. And no the needles don’t hurt at all I suggest it for anyone who is battling cancer or anyone with migraines. After my appointment I went up to 6^thNorth the floor I was inpatient during most of my treatment. One of my nurses Linda remembered that today was the date I got diagnosed two years ago. I didn’t expect her to even remember that date but now thinking about it I don’t doubt that any of the nurses forget. They truly love their jobs and have spent so much time with each family that they became apart of ours. I love visiting 6^th north and the doctors and nurses love it that much more seeing their patients conquer cancer and back to a normal life.

    And today being Christmas Eve I can’t believe how blessed I am. Christmas two years ago was not how I ever want to spend a Christmas like ever again. Instead of opening presents I received my first chemo ever on Christmas morning.  I didn’t understand or appreciate how the only important thing is spending the holiday with all of my family healthy. It’s so amazing I can’t even explain.

  

    I’d like to lastly mention the New Year, 2013, is going to bring big changes to my life. Starting January 11 I will be starting my 2^nd to last chemo cycle, EVER! I can’t believe I’m so close to the finish line. Each cycle is 84 days just knowing I’m two cycles away from beating this motivates to just push through as much as I can. So far Fourth of July is my last day of chemo, best believe I’m counting down the days!

I truly wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a happy HEALTHY New Year<3

Footprints...When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that i carried you.

Today marks the third anniversary of my Grammie (Barbara Boczanowski) who passed away.  It made me think about a ton of different things today. First was how lucky I feel to have such an amazing angel watching over me. During my chemotherapy treatment everyday’s a long struggle, physically and mentally draining. With all of this the only thing I believe that gets me through this isn’t just my support by friends and family but also those watching over me. My grandmother was an amazing woman always helping others and involved in everything. One thing she loved being a part of was The Catholic Daughters church group. I’m not heavily into my religion but because of her I do believe she’s in heaven with God watching over me. I feel so blessed to have such an angel. Another thing that crossed my mind was what she thought of all of this. She didn’t live to see me diagnosed and battling cancer but she’s in heaven watching down on me, what could she possibly think of all of this? I thought of how much it saddens her to know her 20-year-old granddaughter is battling leukemia. On the other hand I reflected on how proud she would be of me. She must be so amazed by me going through what I go through everyday. She would love how involved I am with spreading cancer awareness and inspiring others. Mostly she would be so proud of me for being a survivor. As much as I miss her I can’t help but to think she’s there in heaven for a reason, to guide me through all of this. I can fight as hard as I can but cancer is a disease that’s out of my control and it’s a relief to know my grandmother is watching over me. I feel like anytime my treatment has a difficult part I somehow amazingly always make it through and I owe that all to my beautiful Grammie, my angel in heaven.

*My grandmothers from both sides of my family* to the right is Grammie, RIP<3

My Grammie isn’t the only angel I have though I have five others; Kristie, Kaylee, Nahge, Seshu and Avalanna. In the past two years I’ve met so many friends from The Jimmy Fund and the harsh reality is being a survivor you watch a lot of your friends sadly pass away from cancer. It gets really frustrating to see them fight so hard but lose their battle because of this terrible disease. The Jimmy Fund is an amazing group we support each other like no other and the bond is instant no matter gender, age, or type of cancer. It’s the closest bond I’ve actually had with anyone. I’ve gained a lot from all of this heartache however. I’ve been given a bigger reason to fight and a greater reason to spread awareness. I miss all of my friends dearly and going into clinic isn’t the same without their smiling faces. I like to believe I’m living my life for them and they are all in return watching over me.

*picture of Nahge, Rachel & I*

What doesn't kill you TRULY makes you stronger...

Yesterday marks my one-year of being cancer free! Looking back to last year I honestly couldn’t think of how I was going to make it through all of this. I wish I could say giving up never crossed my mind but anyone fighting cancer, my family and friends know there were a few times it did. Beating cancer seemed unthinkable. Everyday the mental and physical pain of my illness increased.  Seeing my loved ones watch me go through this gave them the pain too as if they were also fighting. I would try so hard to only show my positive side because I didn’t want anyone seeing me so scared too. Everyday I somehow got through it mostly for them. On February 10 2011 is the day my oncologist told me I reached remission. I was so happy I couldn’t even believe it. Although it meant I still had to finish my 2 years of treatment, it gave me a huge push to keep going. I had beaten cancer, now all I had to do was endure the side effects and keep up with my chemotherapy. Now one year later it AMAZES me how everyday dragged on and seemed never ending. How you can’t even begin to think of how you’ll make it through these curves life throws at you. Also its crazy to think a year has past just like that. I’m so thankful for my family and friends who pushed me everyday. Beating this has been more positive than negative. So what that cancer temporarily took my hair and life. Hair grows back and my life has only now changed for the better. I’ve truly never felt so happy in my life. Cancer made me appreciate everything and everyone. It also helped me with my future. I know I want to work with children and be a child life specialist. It’s an emotional job but no one can relate to them as much as I can. I want to help them overcome this and give them hope! Being diagnosed with Leukemia was a day I’ll never forget, but how it’s impacted my life, family’s life and friends it’s been a blessing. Cancer has definitely given me way more than it has taken and for that I’m so thankful!

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

This past week has brought up so many memories. It has now been 1 year since I was diagnosed. Its emotional to think about the awful experience I encountered and at the same time how blessed I am that I survived. The beginning of 2011 was pure hell I never thought I’d make it past each day but they all seemed to somehow add up to weeks, months and now a year. Last Christmas instead of opening presents, I was preparing for chemo. Christmas day 2010 I received my first chemo ever. I couldn’t stop throwing up and felt so helpless attempting to get my chemo down. If someone told me I’d be here today surviving this I would of thought they were INSANE. My body couldn’t handle the chemo and I didn’t know how I was going to get around this. Also on Christmas the tests confirmed that I had M3 AML leukemia, which is so important to treatment. There are all sorts of leukemia and subtypes which tailor what treatment you receive and survival rate. My oncologist came in with our treatment plans, which seemed unachievable. They used so many terms I’ve never heard of explaining what the cancer has done to me and what I will be doing to fight this. There are three phases the Induction, Consolidation, and Maintenance phase. If I even made it to the last phase I would have to be in the hospital for at least 6 months. Reading this on the plan was unbelievable; I wanted to just give up right there. I’m so glad I didn’t. Although this was literally going to hell and back it’s been the most positive/crazy/amazing things I have ever experienced. Its changed my mind set towards everything and I know my family and friends feel this way as well. It makes you appreciate everything so much more. Opening up presents gave us a smile but they didn’t seem to matter as much. This Christmas the greatest present was just being with my entire family from both sides, healthy & happy. I truly feel blessed that it all has changed this past year in my favor. To have a second chance at life is an amazing gift that I will never take for granted! I hope everyone somewhere in his or her life experiences this feeling of realization, just not in the way I had to.

^ My cousins and I this past Christmas Eve! Thankful.

Ps. My next post might be incredibly long. I want to explain the three phases of treatment in depth and also what leukemia is! AWARENESS will bring a cure.

The phone call that changed EVERYTHING

On December 21, 2010 was the day I found out I had cancer. My life instantly changed forever from that moment on. I clearly remember the month leading up to it and everything about that day to even what I was wearing. It’s something I’ll never forget as much as I really want to.

December 2010…

I was 18 and a freshman at the University of Hartford in CT finishing my first semester when my symptoms first started. Everyday I had small headaches and thought I could just go on and try to forget about them so I did for about 2 weeks. It became the week of finals and my roommate and I were stressed out to the max. That’s when I figured this must be why I’m having these headaches, right? As time went on I only had more symptoms everyday. I spent almost every hour of the day sleeping I was so exhausted I couldn’t move or wake up. My roommate and I thought this was so unusual and didn’t know what to think. Another few days went by as I was ready to pack up and go home for winter break and my throat started feeling soar that I couldn’t swallow anything to eat. It became so out of hand that I went to the nurse at the university to get a strep test. It came out clear and I just kept on focusing on my last final. At last we were picked up from my dad to come home to Ma for the next month of winter break. Few days passed again and the symptoms only got worse and hard to live with from this moment I knew in my heart that something was wrong; this wasn’t stress or normal at all. I called my pediatrician for an appointment where I was tested for strep once again which came out clear for the second time. There was no way that I was going leave without some answers so my doctor told me that I must have been so weak an feeling like this from having possibly mono and that with rest and time it would go away.

December 19 2010…

 By now all of my high school friends were home and ready for Christmas! My two best friends Megan and Erica and I went late Christmas shopping at Target and that’s when my friends notice this wasn’t right. Walking from the parking lot into the store I was winded and couldn’t catch my breath. We laughed about joking about how college made me out of shape but I felt so dizzy and couldn’t keep up with them at all which freaked us all out. We went on hanging out and I tried eating, sleeping, anything to somehow help.

December 20 2010…

I woke up and called my doctor for another appointment and luckily got one in the afternoon. I asked for anything done so I could have an answer and they said since my symptoms were I not being able to breathe they’d take a few x-rays of my chest and take blood work. As soon as those were done I was out and out the door on my way. I felt relieved knowing id have answers soon. I continued my day with friends and we ended up drinking so my friend Haley and I slept over Megan’s house to avoid driving. My parents and I have an open relationship where they don’t care if I drink, I’m in college so as long as I don’t drive they are fine with anything I do. We got home late, therefore went to bed late also.

December 21 2010…

Waking up that morning I wasn’t prepared for anything about to come next…AT ALL. It was already the afternoon when we woke up and my phone was dead from the night before. I asked Megan if I could borrow her charger to tell my parents I was at Megan’s for the day as usual. Once my phone was charged I had numerous missed calls from numbers I have never seen before, calls from my dad including texts. I had no idea why he would be calling me. He knew where I was, I didn’t have work that day, and I couldn’t think of one reason why I would be in trouble. I was feeling so confused. Once I called him back he told me to come home right now. My friends and I thought how weird this was at the time and now it all makes sense. I got home and waiting for my parents to get there they told me I would need further testing but didn’t tell me anything else. At this point my parents knew what was going on but didn’t tell me and I don’t blame them I don’t know how they could even wrap their minds around it. Since I’m an adult my doctor wasn’t suppose to tell my parents but it was so severe and she couldn’t get a hold of me that she did anyways. I knew something was wrong but I never imagined it would be this severe and literally life threatening. On the way to UMass medical my doctor called me on my cell phone while we were almost there. I cant really tell you from hear on what happened the only thing I remember is her telling me the blood work showed I had Leukemia. I was in denial at first and questioned her saying you know that’s cancer right? She said yes and how id be having further testing to find out specifically what type of leukemia. All I remember was crying on the phone with her as she kept asking me if I’m okay.  IS THAT A SERIOUS QUESTION? From this point on the car ride was silent filled with endless tears. I can’t even describe the aching in my heart it was so unbearable. My life did a complete 360 and I think I was so hurt because that’s the day I felt myself die. That was the last moment of the Sarah I had been for 18 years. That’s the part that hurts me the most. I live everyday hurting as though someone really died because to me that’s how it is, the girl I was since I was born was lost that day and its hard for me to accept that still.

From this day on I don’t remember my first month of treatment its all a blur. This blog mostly will describe the five months in the hospital that I do remember, the countless procedures and rounds of chemo I somehow managed to get through and how although I’m cancer free today I still undergo protocol and receive chemo. Living with cancer is ALWAYS with me. Everyday I’m haunted and reminded of the pain I went through and still am. In September 2012 I will end treatment fully if I still remain cancer free. I know anytime it could come back but the beauty of cancer is that it’s truly made me happier than I ever was, weird right? It’s taught me so much about life and how any second it can be taken away so we really need to live it to the fullest as much as possible. If my cancer was to ever come back I truly can say I’m not scared at all.